I CAN MOONWALK!
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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