Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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