a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize