everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
