Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
