Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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