Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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