Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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