No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
