I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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