There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
