His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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