one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
