I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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