I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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