I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
