I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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