two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
