i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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