someone threw a dead crab at me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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