my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
