When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
