Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
