I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
