How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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