So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
