You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
