My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
