dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
