Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
