I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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