people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
