WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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