break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
