if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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