This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
