1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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