hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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