Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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