Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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