i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
