So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
