I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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