it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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