One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
