I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
