i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
