That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
