wanna go halves on a baby?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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