i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
