Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
