I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
