I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
