fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
