I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
