Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
