Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
