He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
