No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
