Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
someone owes me an orgasm
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
