so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
