apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
